The Tale of Two Tricks
All Shanaynay wuz to dem wuz jus aneder ho. She wanted to get wit sum ripped dude, but her dang cuz got to em foist. He was her “Pimp Daddy”, the most rippedest playa this side o de rich moat. And she wanted him … in a bad wey to. Like in the same way her 12 year-old niece wanted dat purple drank, or in de same way her real nephew wanted dat mustang … if only he hadn’t tried to stealed it while de king was galloping by on it.
Anyway, like I wuz saying: she wanted dat playa, but her cuz got to him afore she did. Shanaynay jus dint unduhstayand! I mean, sho, Fo’Quisha had dat nice trunk, and you can bet she let de junk hang outta dem linens, but don erry guy want a trick wit de nice brain? Well, I guess not: it seemed dat her “Pimp Daddy” wanted just anoder fine young thang.
“Why dis be always hatninin to me?!” Shanaynay cried out one night when she was walking da L-Block down by the castle. “Ain’t I nice enough?! Ain’t I smart enough?! Why do I has to look ugly?!”
Just then, a bright white light appeared. And when I mean bright, I mean BRIGHT! Like, brighter den de po-po’s lights when dey come afta yo fo ridin’ dirty. I mean brighter den de sun when you walk out yo jail’cell for the first time in 6 months cuz you don tried to hide yo brothers guap he got from pushin them tricks.
Anyway, like I wuz saying: a bright light appeared before Shanaynay!
“Shanaynay! Why are you looking so distraught?” spoke the white light.
“What you be sayin’? Who are you?”
*ehem* “I am Drey, your fairy-god Daddy!”
“I has a fairy-god Daddy!”
“Yes, you do! I am here to help you. You may have one wish, but there is one catch: you must work for 1 week if you want to obtain whatever you wish for.”
Shanaynay was so happy! She was happier den a bruddah wit a big ol box of fried chicken! She was happier den her auntie when she caught dat catfish AND found a watermelon growing in her neighbor’s gahden!
Anyway, like I wuz sayin: she was happy!
“Okey den! I wish to be beautiful! I want to be more beautiful den my hussy of a cuz Fo’Quisha!”
“Erm, uhh, I don’t know how we can do that in just one week.”
“Whaddya mean?! Ain’t you my fairy-god Daddy?!”
“Well, yes, but it’s just that …”
“Well den?! What is it?”
“Well, I just see that …”
“Out wit it Atlas!”
“IT LOOKS LIKE YOU FELL OFF THE UGLY TREE AND HIT EVERY BRANCH ON THE WAY DOWN! I MEAN DANG, DID YOUR PARENTS PUT YOU IN A SACK WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD AND BEAT YOU WITH A STICK?! HOLY COW, THAT DOCTOR MUST HAVE SLAPPED HIMSELF WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB, BECAUSE HE PROBABLY THAT HE WAS HAVING A NIGHTMARE! YOUR TEETH LOOK HORRIBLE: I BET YOU CAN EAT CORN THROUGH A FENCE LIKE A FREAKIN’ HORSE. AND GOSH DARN IT: STOP FLOODING MY WALL WITH THOSE STUPID MYSPACE POSES! IT JUST ISN’T ATTRACTIVE WHEN YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR PUFFED OUT LIPS AND THE PEACE SIGN 200 TIMES IN A ROW!”
“So, what‘cha trying to say, Drey?”
*sigh* “I can help, but it will take two weeks. Fair enough?”
*Okey! Les do dis!!!”
And so the work began. Drey taught Shanaynay how to act like a lady:
“You tryn tu tell me dat I ain’t s’posed to sit wit my legs wide open when I be wearin’ a skirt?!”
“No Shanaynay, you’re not.”
“But how am I supposed to air out this skank rash I have down der?!”
… he taught her how to eat properly.
“No no no, Shanaynay. You eat porridge with a spoon, not with your hand.”
“But mah hand can get it in mah belly so much fastah!”
… he taught her how to talk like a person … sorta.
“Repeat after me: It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“It’s a pleasure to see your meat.”
“No, that’s perverted. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“It’s my pleasure to be pleasur…”
“NO! It’s a pleasure to meet you”
…
Finally, after two weeks, it was time for Shanaynay to try to win over the heart of her lover.
“You know, Shanaynay, I never did find out the name of the gentleman you want.”
“Oh Drey! He has de mos bootiful name in the world: Reverand Dr. LG Whitechocolate!”
“Erm, okay then. Let’s go.”
The King was throwing a poppin’ party, and Rev. would be there. This would be the place for Shanaynay to make her scene.
They walked into the palace and saw Fo’Quisha feelin’ all up on Rev. Dis jus enraged Shanaynay! She ran right up to Fo’Quisha:
“You two timin skank! You stole mah man!”
“What you screamin’ ‘bout now, hoochie mama?”
“Hoochie mama? Hoochie mama?! You’re cabbage to me! You hear that: cabbage!”
“Aww gurl! No you di’int!” *turns to her gurlfran* “Gurl hol my earwangs!”
A fight broke out between the two of dem. Dey wuz pullin’ each udder’s weaves, and rip off necklaces. When erryone in de palace start chantin’, dat’s when Rev. stood up:
“Ladies. Ladies! LADIES! HEY HORRS!!!!!”
*all wuz quiet*
“Listen up to me tricks, cuz I’m only gonna say dis once! Fo’Quisha: I never liked you. I simply chose you because I was depressed!”
“Why wuz you sad?!” Fo’Quisha exclaimed. “Wasn’t I purty enough fo you?!”
“Fo’Quisha, you be bangin nice. But I never had feelings fo you. I always done liked Shanaynay…”
*Shanaynay started choking’ on her tabacco*
“I chose you, Fo’Quisha, because I was sad dat Shanaynay didn’t like me at all!”
“Whitechocolate, I luv you! I did all of dis tah git choo! I just di’int had dda courage to tell you dat before. But now, I want duh whole ghetto-kingdom to know: I love you! I want you to be mah baby’s daddy!”
“Shanaynay! I love you too! I want you to be my baby mama!”
In the midst of this, Drey took Fo’Quisha and brought her to a man who jus wanted a poppin’ body, and they wuz happy … until anuder poppin’ body came along, den dey had to duke it out.
Whitechocolate and Shanaynay got hitched that night at de poppin’ party in de palace. Dey went on to have lots of chilren runnin’ round de street. And err night, Shanaynay would tell the story of how she learned that true beauty is most visible when you fight for the one you love.
And dey lived happily ever after.
Anyway, like I wuz saying: she wanted dat playa, but her cuz got to him afore she did. Shanaynay jus dint unduhstayand! I mean, sho, Fo’Quisha had dat nice trunk, and you can bet she let de junk hang outta dem linens, but don erry guy want a trick wit de nice brain? Well, I guess not: it seemed dat her “Pimp Daddy” wanted just anoder fine young thang.
“Why dis be always hatninin to me?!” Shanaynay cried out one night when she was walking da L-Block down by the castle. “Ain’t I nice enough?! Ain’t I smart enough?! Why do I has to look ugly?!”
Just then, a bright white light appeared. And when I mean bright, I mean BRIGHT! Like, brighter den de po-po’s lights when dey come afta yo fo ridin’ dirty. I mean brighter den de sun when you walk out yo jail’cell for the first time in 6 months cuz you don tried to hide yo brothers guap he got from pushin them tricks.
Anyway, like I wuz saying: a bright light appeared before Shanaynay!
“Shanaynay! Why are you looking so distraught?” spoke the white light.
“What you be sayin’? Who are you?”
*ehem* “I am Drey, your fairy-god Daddy!”
“I has a fairy-god Daddy!”
“Yes, you do! I am here to help you. You may have one wish, but there is one catch: you must work for 1 week if you want to obtain whatever you wish for.”
Shanaynay was so happy! She was happier den a bruddah wit a big ol box of fried chicken! She was happier den her auntie when she caught dat catfish AND found a watermelon growing in her neighbor’s gahden!
Anyway, like I wuz sayin: she was happy!
“Okey den! I wish to be beautiful! I want to be more beautiful den my hussy of a cuz Fo’Quisha!”
“Erm, uhh, I don’t know how we can do that in just one week.”
“Whaddya mean?! Ain’t you my fairy-god Daddy?!”
“Well, yes, but it’s just that …”
“Well den?! What is it?”
“Well, I just see that …”
“Out wit it Atlas!”
“IT LOOKS LIKE YOU FELL OFF THE UGLY TREE AND HIT EVERY BRANCH ON THE WAY DOWN! I MEAN DANG, DID YOUR PARENTS PUT YOU IN A SACK WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD AND BEAT YOU WITH A STICK?! HOLY COW, THAT DOCTOR MUST HAVE SLAPPED HIMSELF WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB, BECAUSE HE PROBABLY THAT HE WAS HAVING A NIGHTMARE! YOUR TEETH LOOK HORRIBLE: I BET YOU CAN EAT CORN THROUGH A FENCE LIKE A FREAKIN’ HORSE. AND GOSH DARN IT: STOP FLOODING MY WALL WITH THOSE STUPID MYSPACE POSES! IT JUST ISN’T ATTRACTIVE WHEN YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR PUFFED OUT LIPS AND THE PEACE SIGN 200 TIMES IN A ROW!”
“So, what‘cha trying to say, Drey?”
*sigh* “I can help, but it will take two weeks. Fair enough?”
*Okey! Les do dis!!!”
And so the work began. Drey taught Shanaynay how to act like a lady:
“You tryn tu tell me dat I ain’t s’posed to sit wit my legs wide open when I be wearin’ a skirt?!”
“No Shanaynay, you’re not.”
“But how am I supposed to air out this skank rash I have down der?!”
… he taught her how to eat properly.
“No no no, Shanaynay. You eat porridge with a spoon, not with your hand.”
“But mah hand can get it in mah belly so much fastah!”
… he taught her how to talk like a person … sorta.
“Repeat after me: It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“It’s a pleasure to see your meat.”
“No, that’s perverted. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“It’s my pleasure to be pleasur…”
“NO! It’s a pleasure to meet you”
…
Finally, after two weeks, it was time for Shanaynay to try to win over the heart of her lover.
“You know, Shanaynay, I never did find out the name of the gentleman you want.”
“Oh Drey! He has de mos bootiful name in the world: Reverand Dr. LG Whitechocolate!”
“Erm, okay then. Let’s go.”
The King was throwing a poppin’ party, and Rev. would be there. This would be the place for Shanaynay to make her scene.
They walked into the palace and saw Fo’Quisha feelin’ all up on Rev. Dis jus enraged Shanaynay! She ran right up to Fo’Quisha:
“You two timin skank! You stole mah man!”
“What you screamin’ ‘bout now, hoochie mama?”
“Hoochie mama? Hoochie mama?! You’re cabbage to me! You hear that: cabbage!”
“Aww gurl! No you di’int!” *turns to her gurlfran* “Gurl hol my earwangs!”
A fight broke out between the two of dem. Dey wuz pullin’ each udder’s weaves, and rip off necklaces. When erryone in de palace start chantin’, dat’s when Rev. stood up:
“Ladies. Ladies! LADIES! HEY HORRS!!!!!”
*all wuz quiet*
“Listen up to me tricks, cuz I’m only gonna say dis once! Fo’Quisha: I never liked you. I simply chose you because I was depressed!”
“Why wuz you sad?!” Fo’Quisha exclaimed. “Wasn’t I purty enough fo you?!”
“Fo’Quisha, you be bangin nice. But I never had feelings fo you. I always done liked Shanaynay…”
*Shanaynay started choking’ on her tabacco*
“I chose you, Fo’Quisha, because I was sad dat Shanaynay didn’t like me at all!”
“Whitechocolate, I luv you! I did all of dis tah git choo! I just di’int had dda courage to tell you dat before. But now, I want duh whole ghetto-kingdom to know: I love you! I want you to be mah baby’s daddy!”
“Shanaynay! I love you too! I want you to be my baby mama!”
In the midst of this, Drey took Fo’Quisha and brought her to a man who jus wanted a poppin’ body, and they wuz happy … until anuder poppin’ body came along, den dey had to duke it out.
Whitechocolate and Shanaynay got hitched that night at de poppin’ party in de palace. Dey went on to have lots of chilren runnin’ round de street. And err night, Shanaynay would tell the story of how she learned that true beauty is most visible when you fight for the one you love.
And dey lived happily ever after.
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